Real feelings

I’ve been avoiding my blog. I just pretend it doesn’t exist right now. I have been posting a few updates over at Doug and Cam but even those are getting few and far between. The reason? I’m feeling really frustrated. I’ve felt like this for weeks, and feel guilty about it because I know my pity party will eventually come to an end. Until then, I struggle with those encouraging words people send my way. So instead of being ungrateful, I’m just hiding.

When someone asks how I’m doing, I give the generic reply, “I’m good.” In reality, I want to scream. I want to tell them how I really feel. This pregnancy has sucked. I have hated every moment of it. From day one, I had months of morning, noon, and night sickness. Looking back now, those were the easy days. We had a scare at week 13, and we worried we might lose the baby. On to almost three months of bed rest and a couple “trial” runs to the hospital for early contractions. Top that off with painful weekly hormone injections, too many medications, and spontaneous nose bleeds. Now, I’m struggling with a breach baby that isn’t fitting very well in her current position. I’m in a lot of pain right now, and the lack of sleep is really wearing on all of us in the house. Em is sick with a cold, and now Doug is too. But here we are. We’re well into week 35, almost at week 36. My doctor finally told me he would no longer stop my labor progression. He knows I can’t take much more of this and has agreed with me that “this sucks.”

What bothers me is how judgmental people are. Everyone has an opinion. One thing I’ve learned throughout this process, unless you’ve been in the exact same pair of shoes, you can’t judge me for wanting this to be over. Very few people can relate to how hard two months of bed rest and solitude can be when you are supposed to be enjoying one of life’s greatest moments for a woman.

Of course I want a healthy baby. I don’t need to be told over and over again that “each day counts.” I get it, I really do. I pray every day that this little one will be healthy. But I’m tired of sugar coating how I really feel. This baby will know how much we love her. She will also know that the time she was inside my belly was incredibly difficult. But we will survive, and we will soon thrive together.

That’s the day I look forward to. Hopefully, very very soon!

2 comments

  1. Shell thingsicantsay.com

    Oh, girl. You are entitled to feel how you are feeling. Without having to justify it to anyone. It’s easy for someone not going through what you are to say that you shouldn’t complain or that you should want your pregnancy to go on as long as possible. I understand that “every day counts” thing, I really do- but sometimes, it’s just time for the baby to be born! Hope it’s soon for you!

    1. Cam nothankyouplease.com

      Thanks Shell! It feels so good to say it like it is. Just hard when you don’t want to hurt anyone for being “too” kind!

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